babblebeth: (me)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 05:29pm on 31/07/2009
These are things that I say and responds I hate people to say to me as a new mother:

Me: "Actually I'm quite tired today/Simon was great and helped me out when I was exhausted yesterday."

People I want to Kick: "You're a mom get used to it/Sleep when he sleeps/Deal with it."

Me to the people I want to kick:  I am not your average mom.  I have a chronic pain condition where one of the major symptoms is CHRONIC FATIGUE!

All new mother's are tired.  I am a bit unusually tired and yes that means sometimes I say I'm tired...but you know what?  EVEN if I didn't have that condition I would still have a right to say "I'm a bit tired today" on occasion.  

Also?  Sleep when he sleeps...yeah right...that works maybe for one nap a day because I do have to do things keep walking around town because I go outside, and I take him and then he naps and I can't curl up on the pavement to have a snooze right then.  Especially when the moment I stop and he wakes up and cries.

My baby is awake and active. "Well leave him he has to get used to being down.  You can do things while he's in his chair."  I KNOW.  I DO put him down and I DO get things done while he is awake and playing but I can't get EVERYTHING done then and he does require a lot of my time.

So yes my house is a bit untidy and I am a bit tired at times.  IT'S ALLOWED.

Now leave me alone.

babblebeth: (me)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 08:37am on 16/07/2009
For the first time since Charlie was born I have been able to clean.  I vacuumed the floor, tidied things up, did my hair, went to the toilet and all sorts while he slept!

Well actually  he was awake while I was vacuuming.  He was staring at his feet...he does that occasionally now.  I'm just so thrilled I was able to do things without help simply because he was resting.
babblebeth: (Default)
My milk has dried up because in the end I valued being able to breathe and see, so I'm taking antihistamines, nasal sprays and eye drops.  I'd feel worse about stopping breastfeeding if it wasn't for the fact that it had to be done.  'Sides no baby has ever died from formula feeding.

He's been very clingy this week, most of the time just not wanting to settle.  Sometimes if it looked like I might put him down, like I leant forward, he'd start crying.  It made it a somewhat tiring week but I love the little bugger so that's okay. He seems to have gotten over it as well as he slept for about 5 hours between feeds last night IN HIS MOSES BASKET. Simon and I actually got couple time and got to both go to bed at a reasonable hour.

I enjoyed that...a lot.

If we can get him used to sleeping in his own bed that would be good because we're going on holiday next week, not that we really mind cuddling him.

He's a good baby and I love him.  I'm also realizing that when Simon gets home I'm sick and tired of looking after Charlie so he goes to Simon and I do the cooking and evening cleaning.

That's also because while Simon's a better cook than me, I'm a more efficent cook than him.

So we're getting organized and doing well.
babblebeth: (freaking out)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:07pm on 11/06/2009 under , , ,
I almost yelled at my infant today.  I didn't actually, but I came close.  It started this afternoon when the laundry finished.  I was going to hang it up outside, so I got him ready to take out..he then woke up and started yelling and I opened the door to ominous cloud cover that hadn't been there earlier...after I got his pram all set up.  So I had to take that down, take the laundry upstairs and put up the drying rack and rush back to my screaming son.  I pick him up, get him calmer, answer the phone and was rude at a telemarketer and then went upstairs and TRIED to  hang up laundry.  Laundry kept falling off, he started screaming again, I tried to rush and more clothing fell off and I turned and said (emphatically) "Would you please shut up!  I'm doing my best!" and then I realized I was angry at an infant.

I was very ashamed.  I mean  he's only tiny, he has no other way to say he's wet, or tired, or hungry.  Ashamed of myself I picked him up, apologized to him took him down and made him up a bottle.  

I still felt pretty upset and was crying which was upsetting him so I called my mother in law while I fed him and kindly she calmed me down.

I still feel ashamed for getting angry with him but I didn't actually  yell and I didn't do anything except get flustered (probably at least partly because I was starvingly hungry.

I was much better after eating and after I took a nap with the baby.

But yeah, I lost it a bit today.

Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:54pm on 09/06/2009
The upshot of being a mom is I suddenly have more confidence with other people, even when I'm doubting how good a mom I am.  For some reason I feel more capable of talking to other people and, you know, leaving the house once and awhile.  I even look forward to going out.

This is kinda huge for me.

And I doubt from time to time if I'm a good mom...usually at 2am or at 5:30pm when I'm tired and fed up with it all and just want five minutes to myself.

But I get over that pretty fast.  I've made choices that aren't for every mom, but my baby is undeniably healthy and I have to do what's right for the three of us as a family.  I think people find that becoming a parent means your choices are partly dictated by your own desires, and predjudices, and mostly by your baby.
babblebeth: (me)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:43pm on 08/06/2009 under , ,
I went to a mom's meet up today in town and met mom's!  They were nice!  They were friendly!  I made a friend with a really nice lady with a beautiful little girl.

I'm definitely going again next week.

It's nice to meet other mom's and not feel like "OMG I have nothing in common with these people." Because at this stage I do!  Babies!

Charlie had a good time too.  I feel...liberated!
Mood:: 'happy' happy
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:26pm on 06/06/2009 under , ,
I've given it a month, and I'll probably do it on and off until Charlie gets into a schedule of regular feeds (he's getting there).  But I'm not going to keep breastfeeding.  Physically I could probably keep mix feeding. Mentally and emotionally I can't keep doing it, it's wearing me down.

One thing I'm going to address though is this:

I am not a bad mom or a liar because I am not making enough milk for my baby.

All the literature about low milk supply is designed to make you feel guilty.  They talk about the "myth" of low milk supply.  They say that if a mother claims to have low milk she's just not putting the baby to the breast enough, the baby isn't latching on properly, it's because she gave the baby a bottle or a dummy within the first week/month and that's why she's not making enough milk...she isn't trying hard enough!

This is complete rubbish. I've had midwives watch me trying to feed my baby for 3 hours, I've had them tell me he's latching on perfectly, they recommended giving him a bottle because he was losing too much weight, and I didn't give him a dummy until it was already clear my milk was not coming in.

I am sick of looking around for support (because hey it's demoralizing not being able to make enough for your baby) and finding only blame.

Screw them.

babblebeth: (freaking out)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 06:33pm on 05/06/2009 under , , , ,
I've got a bad bad case of baby burnout today.

I love my son I swear to all that is right with the world that I do with all my heart....but god damnit I need a cup of tea I don't have to drink while breastfeeding, I need a bath, I need some time to think, I need to spend time with someone who doesn't communicate only through crying and farting. I need to not feel like my baby is possessed by something evil, or that he hates me, or that he's trying to make me go insane.

I do feel like a bad mother for not wanting to be with my baby, but OMG it's been 4 weeks of constantly being on and I can't take it anymore.

But then I think it's only been 4 weeks!  What kind of mother am I?  Then I go to call people and get perspective and I realize how I don't know that many people which I find depressing.


Simon is going to be nice and let me have pamper time this evening.

I bloody well need it.
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:06pm on 05/06/2009 under , ,
I got a sudden intense feeling that I was a terrible mom earlier today.  I was sitting in the rocking chair rocking Charlie and he was crying and fussing and suddenly I just felt I was a horrible mom.

I mean it was nearly noon and I was still in my pjs!  I was giving him a bottle for the love of penguin!  I had slept on and off for most of the morning!  I WASN'T EATING ENOUGH VEGETABLES!  ARGH! I was a horrible mom!

Now logically (and now) I know that's a load of rubbish  I slept most of the morning off an on because I was tired and he was sleeping and I was trying to get him to go down in the moses basket in the bedroom (which he did happily twice!  Woot!)  I was giving him a bottle because I had already breast fed him and he was still hungry  because he's a huge greedy baby.  I was in my pj's because I had slept for most of the morning and then had to take care of him and I was eating vegetables and can get Simon to get me a bit more later.  It was just such an intense feeling of guilt.  Bah humbug!  Dont' like that.

But hey!  I got over it!  You know, until next time it happens.

I did have to call Simon for reassurance but I did calm down...eventually.

Mood:: 'okay' okay
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 03:01am on 05/06/2009 under , , , ,
I took Charlie to Simon's work today,  That was a bit of an ordeal as Sheila needed to take me to the park and ride so I could get to the city center without having to take an hour long bus ride.  I then had to walk to his work through Exeter which was hot and sticky but we got there with him being very good.  Simon met me and took me around and quite quickly Charlie decided to poo.  In the classic Children's timing.  I mean it's good that he pooed because he hadn't for two days so we were getting slightly worried.

In fact he pooed twice there, and needed to be fed, but he was a good baby and hardly cried while we showed him around.  We caught the park and ride back and then went out to eat.  He was awake the entire time we were out but didn't cry.  Even when I changed his very poo-filled nappy at the restaurant.  He was as good as gold, though it helps that we recognize the little signs now for hungry or dirty, or tired.

But that leads into another issue with me.  When he's awake I feel like a bad mom if I don't talk to him constantly while he's awake.  But I can't talk to him constantly if I have to pee, or if I have to eat, doing washing up, or frankly if I'm just really really tired.  I try to talk to him and engage him as much as possible but every moment he's awake and I'm not...I feel like I'm hindering his development or something and that I'm a horrible mom.

I know that's probably stupid but I still feel that way.

Being a mom is guilt inducing.
Mood:: 'tired' tired


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