babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:16pm on 25/05/2009 under , , , ,
I'm not entirely convinced that I get to keep Charlie. I keep thinking that his real mom is going to come and take him away from me. I'm scared to let him out of the house with other people and without me because I'm scared he won't come back to me.

It's completely illogical I know but I can't help it. I'm also scared that he's going to...well break. Okay by break I mean die but break is a less scary word.

Anyway, I'm a little bit convinced that if I'm awake and in the same building I can somehow prevent that from happening. Despite the fact that that is completely ridiculous.

Simon is, of course, excellent and wonderful and a completely trustworthy father to leave my child with.

He's going to attempt to walk to the shops in a bit with Charlie and without me.

Hopefully I will be okay with that, I feel like I could probably just about manage that because Simon is his father and some how might also be able to keep him from breaking and stop people from taking him away from us.

Yes this is insane...gah...big step for me though.

ETA: Experiment successful!  I did not lose it!

babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 11:29am on 24/05/2009 under , , ,
Well the votes are in and this journal is apparently going to be one based on my experiences as a parent, as and when they occur and I feel the need to blog about them in a semi-intelligent way.

So, at the moment I'll do an overview of the first two weeks of my sons life and my reaction to him.

The birth was fast, and painful, and difficult. He had a head that was 37cm in circumference when he was born (most babies have 35cm) and he shot out so I was pretty tore up and lost a good amount of blood. But the moment I saw him I knew I loved the little guy. He's a good baby mostly and while he kept me up most of the night trying to get enough into his 9lb 2 and a half oz body I didn't really mind. No matter how dizzy I felt.

I gave birth on the Friday and came home on the Sunday, luckily I had both my husband and my mom to help me out but I've been struggling with low milk supply since he came home. My milk has not come in in the force that most women describe (and if you think well she might not have low supply, I do. I don't feel full of milk ever...that means I'm not making a lot) so we've had to do a mix feed for the little guy.

At first that really upset me. Why couldn't I be enough? What was I doing wrong? What could I do to fix it? I felt demoralized and rather upset about it all even though I was careful not to get too stressed about it (that makes it harder for the milk to come down!) besides he was getting enough to eat and getting some from me so that was the most important thing wasn't it?

I'm a little afraid of when Simon goes back to work on Tuesday as I'll be alone with my son all day for the first time and I'm a little worried how I'll cope. You see he sometimes (especially at night) have difficulty settling. It's not his fault, you see he's a gassy baby, and unlike most babies who burp he farts...continually (never encountered THAT before let me tell you) and I think laying down flat on his back hurts his belly a bit. So he only really does well if he's being held, which is when he'll drift off, but of course the parent can't for fear of dropping him.

He's mostly a good baby though, he's calm, he's cute (especially when he has the hiccups) and he's mine. Eventually I'm sure I'll get over my ban on people taking him out of the house without me but at the moment I'm not even comfortable letting Simon take him for a walk around the block without me. He's my baby, my boy and while people can hold him and even take care of him while I he has to stay in the same house as me.

He's 16 days old today, and I'm still feeling the strange combination of absolute love for my son and at the same time wondering when his real mother is going to come. I suppose it's hard to believe that he's mine for keeps. Once I'm used to that I'll probably be okay with people taking him for time.

This has been a ramble rather then a coherent blog but my son is only 16 days old and finally alseep without being held for the first time since last night. My brain is still catching up.
Music:: bbc news
location: home
Mood:: 'tired' tired


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