babblebeth: (freaking out)
2009-06-11 07:07 pm

Ick.

I almost yelled at my infant today.  I didn't actually, but I came close.  It started this afternoon when the laundry finished.  I was going to hang it up outside, so I got him ready to take out..he then woke up and started yelling and I opened the door to ominous cloud cover that hadn't been there earlier...after I got his pram all set up.  So I had to take that down, take the laundry upstairs and put up the drying rack and rush back to my screaming son.  I pick him up, get him calmer, answer the phone and was rude at a telemarketer and then went upstairs and TRIED to  hang up laundry.  Laundry kept falling off, he started screaming again, I tried to rush and more clothing fell off and I turned and said (emphatically) "Would you please shut up!  I'm doing my best!" and then I realized I was angry at an infant.

I was very ashamed.  I mean  he's only tiny, he has no other way to say he's wet, or tired, or hungry.  Ashamed of myself I picked him up, apologized to him took him down and made him up a bottle.  

I still felt pretty upset and was crying which was upsetting him so I called my mother in law while I fed him and kindly she calmed me down.

I still feel ashamed for getting angry with him but I didn't actually  yell and I didn't do anything except get flustered (probably at least partly because I was starvingly hungry.

I was much better after eating and after I took a nap with the baby.

But yeah, I lost it a bit today.

babblebeth: (me)
2009-06-08 07:43 pm

I made a friend!

I went to a mom's meet up today in town and met mom's!  They were nice!  They were friendly!  I made a friend with a really nice lady with a beautiful little girl.

I'm definitely going again next week.

It's nice to meet other mom's and not feel like "OMG I have nothing in common with these people." Because at this stage I do!  Babies!

Charlie had a good time too.  I feel...liberated!
babblebeth: (Default)
2009-06-06 12:26 pm

Breastfeeding

I've given it a month, and I'll probably do it on and off until Charlie gets into a schedule of regular feeds (he's getting there).  But I'm not going to keep breastfeeding.  Physically I could probably keep mix feeding. Mentally and emotionally I can't keep doing it, it's wearing me down.

One thing I'm going to address though is this:

I am not a bad mom or a liar because I am not making enough milk for my baby.

All the literature about low milk supply is designed to make you feel guilty.  They talk about the "myth" of low milk supply.  They say that if a mother claims to have low milk she's just not putting the baby to the breast enough, the baby isn't latching on properly, it's because she gave the baby a bottle or a dummy within the first week/month and that's why she's not making enough milk...she isn't trying hard enough!

This is complete rubbish. I've had midwives watch me trying to feed my baby for 3 hours, I've had them tell me he's latching on perfectly, they recommended giving him a bottle because he was losing too much weight, and I didn't give him a dummy until it was already clear my milk was not coming in.

I am sick of looking around for support (because hey it's demoralizing not being able to make enough for your baby) and finding only blame.

Screw them.

babblebeth: (freaking out)
2009-06-05 06:33 pm

Baby Burnout

I've got a bad bad case of baby burnout today.

I love my son I swear to all that is right with the world that I do with all my heart....but god damnit I need a cup of tea I don't have to drink while breastfeeding, I need a bath, I need some time to think, I need to spend time with someone who doesn't communicate only through crying and farting. I need to not feel like my baby is possessed by something evil, or that he hates me, or that he's trying to make me go insane.

I do feel like a bad mother for not wanting to be with my baby, but OMG it's been 4 weeks of constantly being on and I can't take it anymore.

But then I think it's only been 4 weeks!  What kind of mother am I?  Then I go to call people and get perspective and I realize how I don't know that many people which I find depressing.

GAH.

Simon is going to be nice and let me have pamper time this evening.

I bloody well need it.
babblebeth: (Default)
2009-06-05 12:06 pm
Entry tags:

Paranoia

I got a sudden intense feeling that I was a terrible mom earlier today.  I was sitting in the rocking chair rocking Charlie and he was crying and fussing and suddenly I just felt I was a horrible mom.

I mean it was nearly noon and I was still in my pjs!  I was giving him a bottle for the love of penguin!  I had slept on and off for most of the morning!  I WASN'T EATING ENOUGH VEGETABLES!  ARGH! I was a horrible mom!

Now logically (and now) I know that's a load of rubbish  I slept most of the morning off an on because I was tired and he was sleeping and I was trying to get him to go down in the moses basket in the bedroom (which he did happily twice!  Woot!)  I was giving him a bottle because I had already breast fed him and he was still hungry  because he's a huge greedy baby.  I was in my pj's because I had slept for most of the morning and then had to take care of him and I was eating vegetables and can get Simon to get me a bit more later.  It was just such an intense feeling of guilt.  Bah humbug!  Dont' like that.

But hey!  I got over it!  You know, until next time it happens.

I did have to call Simon for reassurance but I did calm down...eventually.

babblebeth: (Default)
2009-06-05 03:01 am

Outing!

I took Charlie to Simon's work today,  That was a bit of an ordeal as Sheila needed to take me to the park and ride so I could get to the city center without having to take an hour long bus ride.  I then had to walk to his work through Exeter which was hot and sticky but we got there with him being very good.  Simon met me and took me around and quite quickly Charlie decided to poo.  In the classic Children's timing.  I mean it's good that he pooed because he hadn't for two days so we were getting slightly worried.

In fact he pooed twice there, and needed to be fed, but he was a good baby and hardly cried while we showed him around.  We caught the park and ride back and then went out to eat.  He was awake the entire time we were out but didn't cry.  Even when I changed his very poo-filled nappy at the restaurant.  He was as good as gold, though it helps that we recognize the little signs now for hungry or dirty, or tired.

But that leads into another issue with me.  When he's awake I feel like a bad mom if I don't talk to him constantly while he's awake.  But I can't talk to him constantly if I have to pee, or if I have to eat, doing washing up, or frankly if I'm just really really tired.  I try to talk to him and engage him as much as possible but every moment he's awake and I'm not...I feel like I'm hindering his development or something and that I'm a horrible mom.

I know that's probably stupid but I still feel that way.

Being a mom is guilt inducing.
babblebeth: (Default)
2009-06-04 01:22 am

Loving Someone Doesn't mean Not gettting Tired

I love my son, but I'm finding that at about 8pm I am unable to cope anymore with taking care of him by myself.  It's selfish and silly because while he's not really that hard to take care of I simply can not deal with changing him one more time or doing one more round of trying to get a very hot and uncomfortable baby down to sleep.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for single Moms.  I can at least give Charlie to Simon for about 4 hours and get some sleep.  When I come back down I'm up to taking care of him again.  Even with that I still feel a little guilty at times that I get tired, but it's only natural isn't it?  You can't be on 24/7, and the fact that I'm tired and don't want to deal for 4 hours for every 20 makes me human rather then a bad Mom.  Still, I feel a little guilty.

But then I usually do.
babblebeth: (remember to dream)
2009-05-27 07:16 pm

Goals and Charlie

I'm feeling more confident in being a parent now.

So far I haven't felt any issues with post-natal depression.  In fact, despite being tired, sometimes scared, and all...I feel really fulfilled.  I had forgotten, until my mother mentioned it, that I had said when I was a teenager that what I really wanted out of life was to be a mom.

I didn't feel the necessity of it being mine genetically, if I was able to bear my own children yay!  If not, I had no issue with the thought of adopting.  Nor did I feel like I had to have a child as soon as possible, I held out until I knew I was ready to be a parent.  But yeah, my main ambition in life was to be a mom.  I've achieved that and I think I'm good at it.  I feel a little bit like I was training for this my whole life, like my purpose was to be a mom. 

I feel like I'm in the right place in my life doing what I should be doing.  I don't know if other people feel that way.  I feel a little guilty for feeling that way because it seems a little anti-feminist...but it isn't because I feel women do deserve equal rights and to have careers....I just don't want a career...I want to be a mom.

I'm feeling good about taking care of my son.
babblebeth: (freaking out)
2009-05-26 05:00 pm

Oh my GOD...this is what everyday is going to be?

So today was the first day that I had Charlie on my own. 

It was hard, Simon and I hadn't gotten organized enough and he didn't get enough sleep, we didn't have the morning figured out and I was freaking out and trying to figure out where everything was and failing and Charlie was screaming and Simon realized he had forgotten to do any ironing for work...it was insane.

After Simon went it calmed slightly.  I got Charlie fed and he slept (sort of) and I made a Doctors appointment for my back and arranged with my Mother-in-law to be picked up and taken to my appointment which was at 2:30, boiled up bottles, changed nappies, fed Charlie again, got peed on, changed Charlie again, fed Charlie again, ate some food, drank some water, drank some chocolate milk that was in the fridge, boiled up bottles again, changed Charlie, packed up the baby bag, changed charlie, fed charlie, got picked up by Sheila, got to the Doctors juggling everything, of course he started crying.

Got the paperwork to register him at the Doctors, made my post natal appointment and his 8 week immunization appointment and managed to breastfeed him subtly.  The first time for that.

I was meant to catch the bus back, I got into my appointment about 2:50.  The next bus was 3:40, the bus after that was at 5pm.  I had a prescription that I had to get filled so I got out of my appointment and he slept all the way to Boots (a big pharmacy over here) and was as good as gold until I got in line to drop off my prescription.  It was at that point that he decided to scream the place down.  I got the prescription and happily there was a baby room at the shop so I could go feed him in private!

So I went, fed him, chatted with another desperate mother with a hungry baby (her husband had wandered off with the baby bag and she had to desperately buy a disposable bottle because it was the only thing that was sterile), annnnddd by that time I'd missed my bus.

So I bought some formula from Boots (and some pacifiers) and went to Costa Coffee to call Sheila because I'd missed my bus.  I had a piece of lemon cake and called Sheila and got picked up and got home. 

Now the reason I got the pacifiers.  Before I had Charlie I didn't really like pacifers.  I thought they looked stupid, and really really didn't like them on older kids, and didn't like the way that SOME mothers use them as a replacement for parenting.  However, then I had Charlie.  Charlie likes to eat, but when he's not eating or pooing, or hiccuping, or kicking for fun, he likes to suck...he gets cross when he can't find something to suck on.  He won't take food, but he will suck on your finger until it's all pruney and the knuckle aches, then he'll go to sleep.  In that case?  I want a freakin pacifier.  In fact the only reason I can write this damn article is because he fell asleep next to me while sucking on a pacifer.  A once hated thing is now a much loved object.

Also?  I just discovered I fit my clothing better then I used to.  I am a very happy Mom.  

But yes, I've now found out how difficult it will be to get everything done now because Charlie is a very awake, very interested in the world little boy.  This is a good thing, but means he's very demanding of your attention when you're trying to do things.  I had to keep putting him down when he was crying because I had to go deal with boiling water.

But he's a good baby mostly, he just has crap timing.

As I said though, he's a good baby...plus it was wonderful out today because people kept stopping to say how gorgeous he is, which he is.  Not that I'm bias or anything.


ETA: I'm much less afraid of someone taking him now.  I even let Simon take Charlie with him when he went out to do quick shopping and drop something off at his parents house this evening.  Somehow surviving the first day with Charlie and taking him out on the town makes me feel like his mother.
babblebeth: (Default)
2009-05-25 12:16 pm

My little Secret

I'm not entirely convinced that I get to keep Charlie. I keep thinking that his real mom is going to come and take him away from me. I'm scared to let him out of the house with other people and without me because I'm scared he won't come back to me.

It's completely illogical I know but I can't help it. I'm also scared that he's going to...well break. Okay by break I mean die but break is a less scary word.

Anyway, I'm a little bit convinced that if I'm awake and in the same building I can somehow prevent that from happening. Despite the fact that that is completely ridiculous.

Simon is, of course, excellent and wonderful and a completely trustworthy father to leave my child with.

He's going to attempt to walk to the shops in a bit with Charlie and without me.

Hopefully I will be okay with that, I feel like I could probably just about manage that because Simon is his father and some how might also be able to keep him from breaking and stop people from taking him away from us.

Yes this is insane...gah...big step for me though.

ETA: Experiment successful!  I did not lose it!

babblebeth: (me)
2009-05-25 07:55 am

Last night

My baby apparently got a little too excited about being at the park yesterday. I ended up sitting downstairs at 2am with Simon and are very awake baby.

This was doubly difficult because it was the first time I'd had a fibro flare since I gave birth. This was not a good situation. Simon and I were both exhausted (I'd been sleeping but hadn't slept well so was still tired) and I was in pain everywhere, and Charlie would not settle down to sleep.

He wasn't screaming or anything, he was just awake. I breastfed him, and then burped him, handed him to his dad for bottle feeding and he would. not. settle.

We discussed what to do (by that I mean, who got to get some sleep) and I finally said "Give him to me, I'll try to settle him one last time"

I held my son to my chest and sang him songs, after two he was quite sleepy against me with a blanket draped across his back. So I had Simon put on a CD we have of kids songs, Anne Murray's Hippo in the Bathtub (which was my favorite tape as a kid), and played the last two tracks which were lullaby tracks. I sang along with them as I knew every word and ended up with a very asleep baby who I was able to put down in his car seat and have him STAY ASLEEP!

I managed to get my baby to SLEEP. This way both Simon and I got some sleep. I went up to bed and Simon stayed downstairs with the baby but he managed to sleep on the couch and we both got 4 hours sleep. Now, we supposed to wake him up for feeding every 3 hours in the day and 4 at night. While yesterday afternoon/evening he was feeding almost continually so we didn't worry about that and because of that I'm letting him sleep up to 5 hours in this go. Maybe that's wrong but seriously, he was awake and feeding on and off (no more than an hour apart) from about 3:30pm to 3:45am. Again he wasn't screaming during that time unless we were changing him. He was just awake. Besides which he's slowly waking up on his own now. I can see him stretching and hear him grunting at the moment. He's not awake yet but it won't be long before he is. Might as well let him get up naturally.

But anyway...I got my baby to sleep! YAY!
babblebeth: (Default)
2009-05-24 08:10 pm

First Picnic

Today Charlie went on his first picnic. We met up with the in-laws and the two little foster girls they had staying with them at Bovey Tracey and went to the play park to have our little picnic. He had been fed and changed right before we left so it came as a little surprise that he woke up once we got the to picnic area and decided he was hungry.

I gave him a bottle because it's quite hard to feed him in any way that's subtle because he tries to grab boob, and instead (because he's quite strong and my boobs are not that big) he ends up boxing them out of his mouth and then gets angry because it's not in his mouth.

Therefore in public? Bottle is much easier.

But it was nice, he settled down pretty well and I put him in the sling where he slept while I walked around and enjoyed watching the two very sweet girls playing. They were only about 2 and 3 and were just running around and so excited but very well behaved. They were quite interested in Charlie but in a relaxed way.

It was very hot out in the sun so I was a little worried about Charlie. I had him in the sling and despite Mervyn going "Sun is good for babies!" I kept him covered, but lightly. Because yes, sun is good for babies as I told him, but babies also burn easily and besides...it makes Charlie cranky. Because he's an awesome father in law he let it go.

He did enjoy a bit of sunshine but I liked to be a bit careful.

We were then invited back to the in-laws house to hang out and have tea, which we did, and it was really lovely too.

He fed, pretty continually through out the afternoon, a bit on me and a bit on the bottle...he also had to be changed a few times including poo diapers. This is worth mentioning only because right before we left the house to go the picnic I had to change my first poo diaper. Not, you understand, because I'd been avoiding them but because the timing on Charlie's part has been excellent. Nearly every poo diaper had happened when he went to change the diaper. When I go and change it (and really, sometimes you can't tell because he farts so much and so smelly) he's just been wet. Charlie also seems to wee more when Simon's changing him then me. It's strange...

But it was really nice and relaxing, it was also fun because the girls were pretty careful around him (and we were very watchful) but he had a good time just laying on their carpet and kicking and looking around at everything. It's the first time he's done that for a good long time. That's when I really enjoy being a parent, when he's a awake, but not demanding anything then for me to watch him, make funny faces at him and say things like "Mommy's got your feets!", or sing at him (which he usually likes despite the occasions of abject horror on his face).

He slept through tea with Simon holding him in the sling, and really was just a very good baby most of the time that we were there.

He did look very scared when about 8 girls from the neighboring houses came in to look at him. Of course everyone admired how cute he is, I wish I could take credit for that but really he takes after his dad. I really mean that too, Shelia found a picture of Simon when he was about 4 months old...and the really really look the same. It's very sweet and wonderful. I love how much like his dad Charlie looks, Simon was a very very cute boy. Still is cute in my opinion though of course in a different way.

We just came home, tired, sleepy baby, sleepy parents but really feeling good. We had a lovely day out with our infant.

That makes me very happy.
babblebeth: (Default)
2009-05-24 11:29 am

The Votes Are in!/First 2 weeks

Well the votes are in and this journal is apparently going to be one based on my experiences as a parent, as and when they occur and I feel the need to blog about them in a semi-intelligent way.

So, at the moment I'll do an overview of the first two weeks of my sons life and my reaction to him.

The birth was fast, and painful, and difficult. He had a head that was 37cm in circumference when he was born (most babies have 35cm) and he shot out so I was pretty tore up and lost a good amount of blood. But the moment I saw him I knew I loved the little guy. He's a good baby mostly and while he kept me up most of the night trying to get enough into his 9lb 2 and a half oz body I didn't really mind. No matter how dizzy I felt.

I gave birth on the Friday and came home on the Sunday, luckily I had both my husband and my mom to help me out but I've been struggling with low milk supply since he came home. My milk has not come in in the force that most women describe (and if you think well she might not have low supply, I do. I don't feel full of milk ever...that means I'm not making a lot) so we've had to do a mix feed for the little guy.

At first that really upset me. Why couldn't I be enough? What was I doing wrong? What could I do to fix it? I felt demoralized and rather upset about it all even though I was careful not to get too stressed about it (that makes it harder for the milk to come down!) besides he was getting enough to eat and getting some from me so that was the most important thing wasn't it?

I'm a little afraid of when Simon goes back to work on Tuesday as I'll be alone with my son all day for the first time and I'm a little worried how I'll cope. You see he sometimes (especially at night) have difficulty settling. It's not his fault, you see he's a gassy baby, and unlike most babies who burp he farts...continually (never encountered THAT before let me tell you) and I think laying down flat on his back hurts his belly a bit. So he only really does well if he's being held, which is when he'll drift off, but of course the parent can't for fear of dropping him.

He's mostly a good baby though, he's calm, he's cute (especially when he has the hiccups) and he's mine. Eventually I'm sure I'll get over my ban on people taking him out of the house without me but at the moment I'm not even comfortable letting Simon take him for a walk around the block without me. He's my baby, my boy and while people can hold him and even take care of him while I sleep...no he has to stay in the same house as me.

He's 16 days old today, and I'm still feeling the strange combination of absolute love for my son and at the same time wondering when his real mother is going to come. I suppose it's hard to believe that he's mine for keeps. Once I'm used to that I'll probably be okay with people taking him for walks....in time.

This has been a ramble rather then a coherent blog but my son is only 16 days old and finally alseep without being held for the first time since last night. My brain is still catching up.