babblebeth: (freaking out)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:07pm on 11/06/2009 under , , ,
I almost yelled at my infant today.  I didn't actually, but I came close.  It started this afternoon when the laundry finished.  I was going to hang it up outside, so I got him ready to take out..he then woke up and started yelling and I opened the door to ominous cloud cover that hadn't been there earlier...after I got his pram all set up.  So I had to take that down, take the laundry upstairs and put up the drying rack and rush back to my screaming son.  I pick him up, get him calmer, answer the phone and was rude at a telemarketer and then went upstairs and TRIED to  hang up laundry.  Laundry kept falling off, he started screaming again, I tried to rush and more clothing fell off and I turned and said (emphatically) "Would you please shut up!  I'm doing my best!" and then I realized I was angry at an infant.

I was very ashamed.  I mean  he's only tiny, he has no other way to say he's wet, or tired, or hungry.  Ashamed of myself I picked him up, apologized to him took him down and made him up a bottle.  

I still felt pretty upset and was crying which was upsetting him so I called my mother in law while I fed him and kindly she calmed me down.

I still feel ashamed for getting angry with him but I didn't actually  yell and I didn't do anything except get flustered (probably at least partly because I was starvingly hungry.

I was much better after eating and after I took a nap with the baby.

But yeah, I lost it a bit today.

Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (me)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:43pm on 08/06/2009 under , ,
I went to a mom's meet up today in town and met mom's!  They were nice!  They were friendly!  I made a friend with a really nice lady with a beautiful little girl.

I'm definitely going again next week.

It's nice to meet other mom's and not feel like "OMG I have nothing in common with these people." Because at this stage I do!  Babies!

Charlie had a good time too.  I feel...liberated!
Mood:: 'happy' happy
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:26pm on 06/06/2009 under , ,
I've given it a month, and I'll probably do it on and off until Charlie gets into a schedule of regular feeds (he's getting there).  But I'm not going to keep breastfeeding.  Physically I could probably keep mix feeding. Mentally and emotionally I can't keep doing it, it's wearing me down.

One thing I'm going to address though is this:

I am not a bad mom or a liar because I am not making enough milk for my baby.

All the literature about low milk supply is designed to make you feel guilty.  They talk about the "myth" of low milk supply.  They say that if a mother claims to have low milk she's just not putting the baby to the breast enough, the baby isn't latching on properly, it's because she gave the baby a bottle or a dummy within the first week/month and that's why she's not making enough milk...she isn't trying hard enough!

This is complete rubbish. I've had midwives watch me trying to feed my baby for 3 hours, I've had them tell me he's latching on perfectly, they recommended giving him a bottle because he was losing too much weight, and I didn't give him a dummy until it was already clear my milk was not coming in.

I am sick of looking around for support (because hey it's demoralizing not being able to make enough for your baby) and finding only blame.

Screw them.

babblebeth: (freaking out)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 06:33pm on 05/06/2009 under , , , ,
I've got a bad bad case of baby burnout today.

I love my son I swear to all that is right with the world that I do with all my heart....but god damnit I need a cup of tea I don't have to drink while breastfeeding, I need a bath, I need some time to think, I need to spend time with someone who doesn't communicate only through crying and farting. I need to not feel like my baby is possessed by something evil, or that he hates me, or that he's trying to make me go insane.

I do feel like a bad mother for not wanting to be with my baby, but OMG it's been 4 weeks of constantly being on and I can't take it anymore.

But then I think it's only been 4 weeks!  What kind of mother am I?  Then I go to call people and get perspective and I realize how I don't know that many people which I find depressing.


Simon is going to be nice and let me have pamper time this evening.

I bloody well need it.
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:06pm on 05/06/2009 under , ,
I got a sudden intense feeling that I was a terrible mom earlier today.  I was sitting in the rocking chair rocking Charlie and he was crying and fussing and suddenly I just felt I was a horrible mom.

I mean it was nearly noon and I was still in my pjs!  I was giving him a bottle for the love of penguin!  I had slept on and off for most of the morning!  I WASN'T EATING ENOUGH VEGETABLES!  ARGH! I was a horrible mom!

Now logically (and now) I know that's a load of rubbish  I slept most of the morning off an on because I was tired and he was sleeping and I was trying to get him to go down in the moses basket in the bedroom (which he did happily twice!  Woot!)  I was giving him a bottle because I had already breast fed him and he was still hungry  because he's a huge greedy baby.  I was in my pj's because I had slept for most of the morning and then had to take care of him and I was eating vegetables and can get Simon to get me a bit more later.  It was just such an intense feeling of guilt.  Bah humbug!  Dont' like that.

But hey!  I got over it!  You know, until next time it happens.

I did have to call Simon for reassurance but I did calm down...eventually.

Mood:: 'okay' okay
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 03:01am on 05/06/2009 under , , , ,
I took Charlie to Simon's work today,  That was a bit of an ordeal as Sheila needed to take me to the park and ride so I could get to the city center without having to take an hour long bus ride.  I then had to walk to his work through Exeter which was hot and sticky but we got there with him being very good.  Simon met me and took me around and quite quickly Charlie decided to poo.  In the classic Children's timing.  I mean it's good that he pooed because he hadn't for two days so we were getting slightly worried.

In fact he pooed twice there, and needed to be fed, but he was a good baby and hardly cried while we showed him around.  We caught the park and ride back and then went out to eat.  He was awake the entire time we were out but didn't cry.  Even when I changed his very poo-filled nappy at the restaurant.  He was as good as gold, though it helps that we recognize the little signs now for hungry or dirty, or tired.

But that leads into another issue with me.  When he's awake I feel like a bad mom if I don't talk to him constantly while he's awake.  But I can't talk to him constantly if I have to pee, or if I have to eat, doing washing up, or frankly if I'm just really really tired.  I try to talk to him and engage him as much as possible but every moment he's awake and I'm not...I feel like I'm hindering his development or something and that I'm a horrible mom.

I know that's probably stupid but I still feel that way.

Being a mom is guilt inducing.
Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (Default)
I love my son, but I'm finding that at about 8pm I am unable to cope anymore with taking care of him by myself.  It's selfish and silly because while he's not really that hard to take care of I simply can not deal with changing him one more time or doing one more round of trying to get a very hot and uncomfortable baby down to sleep.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for single Moms.  I can at least give Charlie to Simon for about 4 hours and get some sleep.  When I come back down I'm up to taking care of him again.  Even with that I still feel a little guilty at times that I get tired, but it's only natural isn't it?  You can't be on 24/7, and the fact that I'm tired and don't want to deal for 4 hours for every 20 makes me human rather then a bad Mom.  Still, I feel a little guilty.

But then I usually do.
Mood:: 'sleepy' sleepy
babblebeth: (remember to dream)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:16pm on 27/05/2009 under , , ,
I'm feeling more confident in being a parent now.

So far I haven't felt any issues with post-natal depression.  In fact, despite being tired, sometimes scared, and all...I feel really fulfilled.  I had forgotten, until my mother mentioned it, that I had said when I was a teenager that what I really wanted out of life was to be a mom.

I didn't feel the necessity of it being mine genetically, if I was able to bear my own children yay!  If not, I had no issue with the thought of adopting.  Nor did I feel like I had to have a child as soon as possible, I held out until I knew I was ready to be a parent.  But yeah, my main ambition in life was to be a mom.  I've achieved that and I think I'm good at it.  I feel a little bit like I was training for this my whole life, like my purpose was to be a mom. 

I feel like I'm in the right place in my life doing what I should be doing.  I don't know if other people feel that way.  I feel a little guilty for feeling that way because it seems a little anti-feminist...but it isn't because I feel women do deserve equal rights and to have careers....I just don't want a career...I want to be a mom.

I'm feeling good about taking care of my son.
Mood:: 'happy' happy
babblebeth: (freaking out)
So today was the first day that I had Charlie on my own. 

It was hard, Simon and I hadn't gotten organized enough and he didn't get enough sleep, we didn't have the morning figured out and I was freaking out and trying to figure out where everything was and failing and Charlie was screaming and Simon realized he had forgotten to do any ironing for was insane.

After Simon went it calmed slightly.  I got Charlie fed and he slept (sort of) and I made a Doctors appointment for my back and arranged with my Mother-in-law to be picked up and taken to my appointment which was at 2:30, boiled up bottles, changed nappies, fed Charlie again, got peed on, changed Charlie again, fed Charlie again, ate some food, drank some water, drank some chocolate milk that was in the fridge, boiled up bottles again, changed Charlie, packed up the baby bag, changed charlie, fed charlie, got picked up by Sheila, got to the Doctors juggling everything, of course he started crying.

Got the paperwork to register him at the Doctors, made my post natal appointment and his 8 week immunization appointment and managed to breastfeed him subtly.  The first time for that.

I was meant to catch the bus back, I got into my appointment about 2:50.  The next bus was 3:40, the bus after that was at 5pm.  I had a prescription that I had to get filled so I got out of my appointment and he slept all the way to Boots (a big pharmacy over here) and was as good as gold until I got in line to drop off my prescription.  It was at that point that he decided to scream the place down.  I got the prescription and happily there was a baby room at the shop so I could go feed him in private!

So I went, fed him, chatted with another desperate mother with a hungry baby (her husband had wandered off with the baby bag and she had to desperately buy a disposable bottle because it was the only thing that was sterile), annnnddd by that time I'd missed my bus.

So I bought some formula from Boots (and some pacifiers) and went to Costa Coffee to call Sheila because I'd missed my bus.  I had a piece of lemon cake and called Sheila and got picked up and got home. 

Now the reason I got the pacifiers.  Before I had Charlie I didn't really like pacifers.  I thought they looked stupid, and really really didn't like them on older kids, and didn't like the way that SOME mothers use them as a replacement for parenting.  However, then I had Charlie.  Charlie likes to eat, but when he's not eating or pooing, or hiccuping, or kicking for fun, he likes to suck...he gets cross when he can't find something to suck on.  He won't take food, but he will suck on your finger until it's all pruney and the knuckle aches, then he'll go to sleep.  In that case?  I want a freakin pacifier.  In fact the only reason I can write this damn article is because he fell asleep next to me while sucking on a pacifer.  A once hated thing is now a much loved object.

Also?  I just discovered I fit my clothing better then I used to.  I am a very happy Mom.  

But yes, I've now found out how difficult it will be to get everything done now because Charlie is a very awake, very interested in the world little boy.  This is a good thing, but means he's very demanding of your attention when you're trying to do things.  I had to keep putting him down when he was crying because I had to go deal with boiling water.

But he's a good baby mostly, he just has crap timing.

As I said though, he's a good it was wonderful out today because people kept stopping to say how gorgeous he is, which he is.  Not that I'm bias or anything.

ETA: I'm much less afraid of someone taking him now.  I even let Simon take Charlie with him when he went out to do quick shopping and drop something off at his parents house this evening.  Somehow surviving the first day with Charlie and taking him out on the town makes me feel like his mother.
Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:16pm on 25/05/2009 under , , , ,
I'm not entirely convinced that I get to keep Charlie. I keep thinking that his real mom is going to come and take him away from me. I'm scared to let him out of the house with other people and without me because I'm scared he won't come back to me.

It's completely illogical I know but I can't help it. I'm also scared that he's going to...well break. Okay by break I mean die but break is a less scary word.

Anyway, I'm a little bit convinced that if I'm awake and in the same building I can somehow prevent that from happening. Despite the fact that that is completely ridiculous.

Simon is, of course, excellent and wonderful and a completely trustworthy father to leave my child with.

He's going to attempt to walk to the shops in a bit with Charlie and without me.

Hopefully I will be okay with that, I feel like I could probably just about manage that because Simon is his father and some how might also be able to keep him from breaking and stop people from taking him away from us.

Yes this is insane...gah...big step for me though.

ETA: Experiment successful!  I did not lose it!


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