babblebeth: (freaking out)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:07pm on 11/06/2009 under , , ,
I almost yelled at my infant today.  I didn't actually, but I came close.  It started this afternoon when the laundry finished.  I was going to hang it up outside, so I got him ready to take out..he then woke up and started yelling and I opened the door to ominous cloud cover that hadn't been there earlier...after I got his pram all set up.  So I had to take that down, take the laundry upstairs and put up the drying rack and rush back to my screaming son.  I pick him up, get him calmer, answer the phone and was rude at a telemarketer and then went upstairs and TRIED to  hang up laundry.  Laundry kept falling off, he started screaming again, I tried to rush and more clothing fell off and I turned and said (emphatically) "Would you please shut up!  I'm doing my best!" and then I realized I was angry at an infant.

I was very ashamed.  I mean  he's only tiny, he has no other way to say he's wet, or tired, or hungry.  Ashamed of myself I picked him up, apologized to him took him down and made him up a bottle.  

I still felt pretty upset and was crying which was upsetting him so I called my mother in law while I fed him and kindly she calmed me down.

I still feel ashamed for getting angry with him but I didn't actually  yell and I didn't do anything except get flustered (probably at least partly because I was starvingly hungry.

I was much better after eating and after I took a nap with the baby.

But yeah, I lost it a bit today.

Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:26pm on 06/06/2009 under , ,
I've given it a month, and I'll probably do it on and off until Charlie gets into a schedule of regular feeds (he's getting there).  But I'm not going to keep breastfeeding.  Physically I could probably keep mix feeding. Mentally and emotionally I can't keep doing it, it's wearing me down.

One thing I'm going to address though is this:

I am not a bad mom or a liar because I am not making enough milk for my baby.

All the literature about low milk supply is designed to make you feel guilty.  They talk about the "myth" of low milk supply.  They say that if a mother claims to have low milk she's just not putting the baby to the breast enough, the baby isn't latching on properly, it's because she gave the baby a bottle or a dummy within the first week/month and that's why she's not making enough milk...she isn't trying hard enough!

This is complete rubbish. I've had midwives watch me trying to feed my baby for 3 hours, I've had them tell me he's latching on perfectly, they recommended giving him a bottle because he was losing too much weight, and I didn't give him a dummy until it was already clear my milk was not coming in.

I am sick of looking around for support (because hey it's demoralizing not being able to make enough for your baby) and finding only blame.

Screw them.

babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 12:06pm on 05/06/2009 under , ,
I got a sudden intense feeling that I was a terrible mom earlier today.  I was sitting in the rocking chair rocking Charlie and he was crying and fussing and suddenly I just felt I was a horrible mom.

I mean it was nearly noon and I was still in my pjs!  I was giving him a bottle for the love of penguin!  I had slept on and off for most of the morning!  I WASN'T EATING ENOUGH VEGETABLES!  ARGH! I was a horrible mom!

Now logically (and now) I know that's a load of rubbish  I slept most of the morning off an on because I was tired and he was sleeping and I was trying to get him to go down in the moses basket in the bedroom (which he did happily twice!  Woot!)  I was giving him a bottle because I had already breast fed him and he was still hungry  because he's a huge greedy baby.  I was in my pj's because I had slept for most of the morning and then had to take care of him and I was eating vegetables and can get Simon to get me a bit more later.  It was just such an intense feeling of guilt.  Bah humbug!  Dont' like that.

But hey!  I got over it!  You know, until next time it happens.

I did have to call Simon for reassurance but I did calm down...eventually.

Mood:: 'okay' okay
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 03:01am on 05/06/2009 under , , , ,
I took Charlie to Simon's work today,  That was a bit of an ordeal as Sheila needed to take me to the park and ride so I could get to the city center without having to take an hour long bus ride.  I then had to walk to his work through Exeter which was hot and sticky but we got there with him being very good.  Simon met me and took me around and quite quickly Charlie decided to poo.  In the classic Children's timing.  I mean it's good that he pooed because he hadn't for two days so we were getting slightly worried.

In fact he pooed twice there, and needed to be fed, but he was a good baby and hardly cried while we showed him around.  We caught the park and ride back and then went out to eat.  He was awake the entire time we were out but didn't cry.  Even when I changed his very poo-filled nappy at the restaurant.  He was as good as gold, though it helps that we recognize the little signs now for hungry or dirty, or tired.

But that leads into another issue with me.  When he's awake I feel like a bad mom if I don't talk to him constantly while he's awake.  But I can't talk to him constantly if I have to pee, or if I have to eat, doing washing up, or frankly if I'm just really really tired.  I try to talk to him and engage him as much as possible but every moment he's awake and I'm not...I feel like I'm hindering his development or something and that I'm a horrible mom.

I know that's probably stupid but I still feel that way.

Being a mom is guilt inducing.
Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (Default)
I love my son, but I'm finding that at about 8pm I am unable to cope anymore with taking care of him by myself.  It's selfish and silly because while he's not really that hard to take care of I simply can not deal with changing him one more time or doing one more round of trying to get a very hot and uncomfortable baby down to sleep.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for single Moms.  I can at least give Charlie to Simon for about 4 hours and get some sleep.  When I come back down I'm up to taking care of him again.  Even with that I still feel a little guilty at times that I get tired, but it's only natural isn't it?  You can't be on 24/7, and the fact that I'm tired and don't want to deal for 4 hours for every 20 makes me human rather then a bad Mom.  Still, I feel a little guilty.

But then I usually do.
Mood:: 'sleepy' sleepy

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