babblebeth: (freaking out)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 07:07pm on 11/06/2009 under , , ,
I almost yelled at my infant today.  I didn't actually, but I came close.  It started this afternoon when the laundry finished.  I was going to hang it up outside, so I got him ready to take out..he then woke up and started yelling and I opened the door to ominous cloud cover that hadn't been there earlier...after I got his pram all set up.  So I had to take that down, take the laundry upstairs and put up the drying rack and rush back to my screaming son.  I pick him up, get him calmer, answer the phone and was rude at a telemarketer and then went upstairs and TRIED to  hang up laundry.  Laundry kept falling off, he started screaming again, I tried to rush and more clothing fell off and I turned and said (emphatically) "Would you please shut up!  I'm doing my best!" and then I realized I was angry at an infant.

I was very ashamed.  I mean  he's only tiny, he has no other way to say he's wet, or tired, or hungry.  Ashamed of myself I picked him up, apologized to him took him down and made him up a bottle.  

I still felt pretty upset and was crying which was upsetting him so I called my mother in law while I fed him and kindly she calmed me down.

I still feel ashamed for getting angry with him but I didn't actually  yell and I didn't do anything except get flustered (probably at least partly because I was starvingly hungry.

I was much better after eating and after I took a nap with the baby.

But yeah, I lost it a bit today.

Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (freaking out)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 06:33pm on 05/06/2009 under , , , ,
I've got a bad bad case of baby burnout today.

I love my son I swear to all that is right with the world that I do with all my heart....but god damnit I need a cup of tea I don't have to drink while breastfeeding, I need a bath, I need some time to think, I need to spend time with someone who doesn't communicate only through crying and farting. I need to not feel like my baby is possessed by something evil, or that he hates me, or that he's trying to make me go insane.

I do feel like a bad mother for not wanting to be with my baby, but OMG it's been 4 weeks of constantly being on and I can't take it anymore.

But then I think it's only been 4 weeks!  What kind of mother am I?  Then I go to call people and get perspective and I realize how I don't know that many people which I find depressing.


Simon is going to be nice and let me have pamper time this evening.

I bloody well need it.
babblebeth: (freaking out)
So today was the first day that I had Charlie on my own. 

It was hard, Simon and I hadn't gotten organized enough and he didn't get enough sleep, we didn't have the morning figured out and I was freaking out and trying to figure out where everything was and failing and Charlie was screaming and Simon realized he had forgotten to do any ironing for was insane.

After Simon went it calmed slightly.  I got Charlie fed and he slept (sort of) and I made a Doctors appointment for my back and arranged with my Mother-in-law to be picked up and taken to my appointment which was at 2:30, boiled up bottles, changed nappies, fed Charlie again, got peed on, changed Charlie again, fed Charlie again, ate some food, drank some water, drank some chocolate milk that was in the fridge, boiled up bottles again, changed Charlie, packed up the baby bag, changed charlie, fed charlie, got picked up by Sheila, got to the Doctors juggling everything, of course he started crying.

Got the paperwork to register him at the Doctors, made my post natal appointment and his 8 week immunization appointment and managed to breastfeed him subtly.  The first time for that.

I was meant to catch the bus back, I got into my appointment about 2:50.  The next bus was 3:40, the bus after that was at 5pm.  I had a prescription that I had to get filled so I got out of my appointment and he slept all the way to Boots (a big pharmacy over here) and was as good as gold until I got in line to drop off my prescription.  It was at that point that he decided to scream the place down.  I got the prescription and happily there was a baby room at the shop so I could go feed him in private!

So I went, fed him, chatted with another desperate mother with a hungry baby (her husband had wandered off with the baby bag and she had to desperately buy a disposable bottle because it was the only thing that was sterile), annnnddd by that time I'd missed my bus.

So I bought some formula from Boots (and some pacifiers) and went to Costa Coffee to call Sheila because I'd missed my bus.  I had a piece of lemon cake and called Sheila and got picked up and got home. 

Now the reason I got the pacifiers.  Before I had Charlie I didn't really like pacifers.  I thought they looked stupid, and really really didn't like them on older kids, and didn't like the way that SOME mothers use them as a replacement for parenting.  However, then I had Charlie.  Charlie likes to eat, but when he's not eating or pooing, or hiccuping, or kicking for fun, he likes to suck...he gets cross when he can't find something to suck on.  He won't take food, but he will suck on your finger until it's all pruney and the knuckle aches, then he'll go to sleep.  In that case?  I want a freakin pacifier.  In fact the only reason I can write this damn article is because he fell asleep next to me while sucking on a pacifer.  A once hated thing is now a much loved object.

Also?  I just discovered I fit my clothing better then I used to.  I am a very happy Mom.  

But yes, I've now found out how difficult it will be to get everything done now because Charlie is a very awake, very interested in the world little boy.  This is a good thing, but means he's very demanding of your attention when you're trying to do things.  I had to keep putting him down when he was crying because I had to go deal with boiling water.

But he's a good baby mostly, he just has crap timing.

As I said though, he's a good it was wonderful out today because people kept stopping to say how gorgeous he is, which he is.  Not that I'm bias or anything.

ETA: I'm much less afraid of someone taking him now.  I even let Simon take Charlie with him when he went out to do quick shopping and drop something off at his parents house this evening.  Somehow surviving the first day with Charlie and taking him out on the town makes me feel like his mother.
Mood:: 'tired' tired
babblebeth: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] babblebeth at 11:29am on 24/05/2009 under , , ,
Well the votes are in and this journal is apparently going to be one based on my experiences as a parent, as and when they occur and I feel the need to blog about them in a semi-intelligent way.

So, at the moment I'll do an overview of the first two weeks of my sons life and my reaction to him.

The birth was fast, and painful, and difficult. He had a head that was 37cm in circumference when he was born (most babies have 35cm) and he shot out so I was pretty tore up and lost a good amount of blood. But the moment I saw him I knew I loved the little guy. He's a good baby mostly and while he kept me up most of the night trying to get enough into his 9lb 2 and a half oz body I didn't really mind. No matter how dizzy I felt.

I gave birth on the Friday and came home on the Sunday, luckily I had both my husband and my mom to help me out but I've been struggling with low milk supply since he came home. My milk has not come in in the force that most women describe (and if you think well she might not have low supply, I do. I don't feel full of milk ever...that means I'm not making a lot) so we've had to do a mix feed for the little guy.

At first that really upset me. Why couldn't I be enough? What was I doing wrong? What could I do to fix it? I felt demoralized and rather upset about it all even though I was careful not to get too stressed about it (that makes it harder for the milk to come down!) besides he was getting enough to eat and getting some from me so that was the most important thing wasn't it?

I'm a little afraid of when Simon goes back to work on Tuesday as I'll be alone with my son all day for the first time and I'm a little worried how I'll cope. You see he sometimes (especially at night) have difficulty settling. It's not his fault, you see he's a gassy baby, and unlike most babies who burp he farts...continually (never encountered THAT before let me tell you) and I think laying down flat on his back hurts his belly a bit. So he only really does well if he's being held, which is when he'll drift off, but of course the parent can't for fear of dropping him.

He's mostly a good baby though, he's calm, he's cute (especially when he has the hiccups) and he's mine. Eventually I'm sure I'll get over my ban on people taking him out of the house without me but at the moment I'm not even comfortable letting Simon take him for a walk around the block without me. He's my baby, my boy and while people can hold him and even take care of him while I he has to stay in the same house as me.

He's 16 days old today, and I'm still feeling the strange combination of absolute love for my son and at the same time wondering when his real mother is going to come. I suppose it's hard to believe that he's mine for keeps. Once I'm used to that I'll probably be okay with people taking him for time.

This has been a ramble rather then a coherent blog but my son is only 16 days old and finally alseep without being held for the first time since last night. My brain is still catching up.
location: home
Music:: bbc news
Mood:: 'tired' tired


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